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I use to think it was possible to protect myself from disappointment.
When I was a young girl I looked out at the world through crystal, hazel eyes and decided that I would be a “people pleaser” kind of person. I decided that the pain and heaviness of disappointment would have to find someone else to bog down because there was simply no space for it in my little world. Like many fortunate kids I saw the world through unscathed innocence, and society appeared to be a melting pot of judgment, frothing with expectation and belligerent with opinion. From where I stood the impending shame and ridicule of not measuring up to the expectations of others, and the utter horror of not fitting in to the chaotic status quo, and the likelihood of being the epicenter of someone else’s disappointment was scary, terrifying even.
So in the quiet, private space of my own child size mind and heart I made a bargain with the mystery of the big world. I do not know if I really believed in a higher power or a God back then, but I did believed in mystery and magic, and I certainly wanted to believe that someone or something was in charge of this world. I wanted and needed to believe that I could appeal to that higher power of the world, that through praying or wishing or hoping I could strike some sort of bargain with it and stake my claim to the kind of life I wanted to live. I sat there, my small pudgy hands pressed together in prayer, determined, with all my invisible bargaining chips of fear scattered before me, and my cards, a royal flush of tenderness, optimism, and integrity strewn out across the poker table of my soul. And deep within my heart I promised myself to work hard at being my very best self, and I prayed and bargained with the God I hoped was really out there to protect me from pain and disappointment, and in turn Iwould work hard to please everyone around me…
Later in life I realized that an omniscient higher power did not exist as the narrator and controller of my life in this way, that there was no lofty controller of the universe I could pray to that would absolve me from the yet unknown struggles of my future or protect me from the disappointments in the world around me. I learned that Mom Nature existed in its place, and the energy of nature and transformation were the governing forces of this crazy beautiful world I live in. I learned that nature does not hold back, she flows in highs and lows, grace and torment, peaks and valleys, in bright warm days and shit storms. Needless to say, I have grown immensely since those long lost days of my childhood. I am no longer that innocent, bright eyed girl afraid of pain and disappointment, and willing to do anything in order to please everyone around me. Years go by, responsibilities change, people change, relationships change, and the successes and the disappointments breeze up and swoop down like birds cruising a wind draft across the clear blue sky. I have learned that the tough stuff of life, the disappointment, the heartbreak, the grief, the shame, and the pain are inevitable and in their own way beautiful and, dare I say, necessary. Toughness, like tenderness, deserves respect and acceptance.
I am imperfect and I still hold my self to an unreasonably high standard at times and perhaps I always will. But I understand now that the pain of disappointing others and the guilt of disappointing myself pales in comparison to the desperation of living an entire lifetime believing that my own self worth and life long fulfillment are linked to conceptual success and someone else’s acceptance or dismissal of me.
Over the almost 20 years I’ve been practicing yoga I have learned many lessons in the art of self acceptance and connection. I have learned that self sacrifice in order to please everyone is both impossible and a miserable road to disconnection. I have learned that each of us is more similar than we are different, that we all in some way, shape or form struggle with the yearning to be accepted and appreciated for who we are and the contributions we make to this world.
We are all some shade of “people pleaser”.
I still look out at the world and catch glimpses of the billowing expectations to be perfect, and the incessant opinions and criticisms and standards to measure up to, but instead of being afraid or overwhelmed by them I create a little space between who I am and who the world seems to expect me to be. I give myself a little breathing room. After all, it is only natural to care about what other people think and to crave some level of acceptance, recognition, and connection. It is important to remember that all of those external cares and opinions are not who you are. You hold the barometer for your own fulfillment and enjoyment in this life, and nobody else can control it for you no matter how much love or loathing they shower you with.
Give yourself the space and the time to learn the language of your heart, to respect the message of your soul, and to allow yourself enough breathing room to trust the process of nature moving through you. Focus on being a good person, on carrying yourself with integrity, and being fulfilled by the work that you do and the person that you are. Put your energy into that which matters to you most. When you focus on being good to yourself and sharing with the world that which you believe in you will end up pleasing people after all.
Words and photos by Erin Cookston