If You See Her, Say Hello

I’ve learned the criteria for deserving love, and it is more simple than I ever could have imagined.

To trust and to let go.

Love is letting go of control, trusting that you don’t have to hold on tight in order to feel your own preciousness or worthiness, trusting that the love you give, the love you receive, and the love that you ultimately are, will always stay close, will anyways be with you.

I’ve learned that love, real love, true undying love, has nothing to do with ownership, possession, nor any of the anecdotes we learn from our society as children.

Love is a force of nature. It is unconventional and unpredictable and unbound. Love is nature, a wild force that moves through us. And opening up to feel love is not unlike opening up to feeling the power of Mom Nature herself- a gust of wind, a ray of sunlight, a vista point overlooking the vast space of the ocean - it is a force that exudes connection, that lives and breaths and moves swiftly in, though, out, and beyond all of life.

Last month I visited the Botanical Gardens in Santa Barbara, a lovely little nook of cultivated land spread along side the mountainous backdrop of the city - a stunning place to spend time.

My mom and I were in town for a few days, our annual Mother Daughter vacation. Each year we head off into the sky or out onto the open road to visit a new place, to relax, explore, laugh, eat amazing food, and drink a ton of coffee. My mom is one of my best friends, and even though we sometimes drive each other nuts with frivolous bickering, I look forward to this trip each year.

On the morning we decided to head up to the Botanical Gardens the sun was soft and the air was easy, a perfect day for a gentle nature walk. Two hot cups of coffee steamed up from the the center console of the car as I drove the twisting turning road up the hill to the sprawling gardens. The scent of Bay Laurel meandered along the salty ocean breeze. I hooked a sharp left into a narrow parking lot, floated the car into parking spot number 30, slipped my feet into Birkenstock sandals, and plopped a wide brimmed hat atop my head. I knew in advance there was a modest entry fee, so we followed the signage around the parking lot towards the gift shop to settle it.

A little bell hung from the doorknob of the door to the gift shop, it softly jingled as we walked in. Just as I had hoped, the gift shop was full of flora and fauna themed knick-knacks for every room of a house. Bee designs printed on dish towels, hung next to a display of local harvested honey, a wide array of wildflower garden flare hung from the ceiling and sparkled in the sunlight, and small racks of artsy dangling earrings sat atop the counters. Bookshelves lined the perimeter walls, chock full of books on plant and bird identification. And a grand assortment of nature themed greeting cards, calendars and field notepads were colorfully arranged everywhere. I never buy anything from stores like this, but I dearly love to visit them. Their very existence, like a small local pet store, remind me of simple pleasures and old souls.

I looked around the shop for a moment while an older woman, who seemed to be running the place, stood behind the counter checking out an elderly couple; they had binoculars slung around their necks and matching forest green sun shirts; birdwatchers, obviously. I noticed the cacophony of fluttering wings, soft tweets and clipped chirps the moment I stepped out of the car. The trees are alight with birds and the air an orchestra of their songs.

I stopped to watch sunlight filter through a beautiful piece of hanging stained glass. A butterfly. Golden light streamed through two beautiful purple glass wings that cast a dreamy purple watery like shadow across my face. Magical. Butterflies remind me of an old dog I once loved, one I still love deeply, even though his small body has been gone for many years. His name was, is, Rudee. But like the good law abiding dog person I am, I rarely use his actual name when I speak to him or think of him. Instead I opt for one of of his many nicknames, and he had many of them.

I close my eyes and whisper beneath the wind of my breath, “Hey, Scooter- Tooter. Thinking of you, dude”.

A soft breathy voice draws me out of my butterfly reverie, the sound is coming from the counter,

“Oh, well, hello there! Did you need any help today?”, she asks.

“Hi! Yes”, mom and I say in unison.

She is the kind of woman you would expect to see in a botanical garden gift shop, and that’s a compliment because she is the sort of woman I was really hoping to see in here, a kind of earthbound relic of welcoming warmth and creative magic, and mystical nature store vibes. Her clothing is sweeping and loose, and colorful. Striking hues of purple and pink and green swirled together on the fabric of her dress, her protective shield from the ordinary. Her hair is curly and frizzy, and a soft faded red color, teased up by the ocean breeze and tamed by a single colorful barrette. Her fingers are adorned with silver moody rings, and an artsy sparkling chain runs from around the back of her neck to the sides of her eyeglasses.

She pokes a few buttons on the old cash register before her and the cost of our entry fee flashed up on the machine. I stood there, wallet in hand, waiting for my cue to pay.

But she paused for a moment and then looked towards me with expectancy, or disappointment - I always find it difficult to tell the difference between those two expressions. Her indigo rimmed bifocals slid down her nose slightly as her now uninhibited eyeballs searched across the ground that lay at my feet.

“And….didn’t I see you come in with a dog?”.

I paused for a moment confused. But I couldn’t help but smile at her. I breathed out a little giggle as I shook my head, “Uh-uh”.

No a look of disbelief- that expression I know- traveled across her face.

“Oh. Hummm…. I could have sworn I saw a little dog at your feet when you walked in.”

I smiled again as the words ‘little dog’ echoed in my mind, tugging my attention to home, to my animal heart, to my own living breathing little four legged companion. The sweet way her inky black face is now salted and speckled with white around her endearing brown eyes, eyelashes included. The way she runs donuts around the living room when she is excited. The way she rockets into her own magical world while she is running along the beach. The way she lays on the bathroom floor when I take a bath each night. For a split second I am flooded with the joy of all the little ways she makes every single day of my life joyful and loving and present…

Ellie ( But I call her Boo, Booie or Boozie - remember I’m a law abiding dog person), she and I are cut from the same colorful cloth of this universe, our lives and souls are inseparable. Since finding each other those seven years ago we have transformed each other’s lives for the better, in the most wonderfully hopeful and vibrant ways imaginable. We rescued each other. Sure we were born in different times, in different geographic locations, in different manifestations, but we are one in the same when it comes to soul, spirit, life-force, and love.

She didn’t make this trip with me. I left her home with Zack, where, right at this moment, she is no doubt curled up on a mound of blankets in a warm patch of sun snoring her heart out and running through the secret portals of doggy dreamland. I wonder what she is home dreaming about…

My mind leaps back to the colorful, flowery gift shop and I giggle at the woman again,

“Nope, no dog with me today. That must of been my spirit animal you saw, she comes with me everywhere, you know?...”

The woman chuckled with mild confusion before handed me a map of the gardens, and sending us on our way.

The gardens of course were beautiful, and my walk through them became a reminder that love, although ephemeral at times, is vast and ever present. That the love we allow ourselves to open up to and feel becomes our capacity for living fully.

Open up to the love this life has to offer you. Trust me.

Once you let it in, that love becomes a little shadow of support nipping at your heels everywhere you go. :)